I Wish I Was a Better Sister
We weren’t always like this. Distant. Unsure of how to talk to each other or what to share. We were actually quite the opposite.
I read
’s Paternal Reflections and was inspired to write my own. Thank you.
Dear Mac,
We weren’t always like this. Distant. Unsure of how to talk to each other or what to share. We were actually quite the opposite.
As you know, Yaz and I’s mom split from Dad way before you were born, and then he started a life with your mom. I remember when they told us we were going to have a little brother. I was in middle school, and we had just come up to North Carolina for the summer like we always did. Your mom was so excited when she told us. Yaz was excited, too. But I also remember the feeling of not knowing what that meant for Yaz and me. Would we still be able to come up here? Would your mom let us have a relationship? But all that overthinking was for nothing.
You were actually born while we were up there for the summer. We got to hold you the day you came home, and nothing could have prepared me for the love I would feel for you. The connection I would have with you. As the years passed, you kept growing, and I loved your personality. I loved how excited you were to see Yaz and me, and how, even though we grew up apart for most of the year, you stayed up under me. I never took those moments for granted.
Remember how obsessed you were with dinosaurs? You could name them all by age four. I bragged about it to my friends. My brother is so cute and smart. I cherished those moments, especially when it was time for us to go back home and you always got sad that we were leaving.
But as life tends to do, things started to shift as I got older. By the time I got to high school, I was spending less and less of my summers up there because of work and time with my friends (kind of like how you are now, but your time is spent on sports and your girlllllfriendddd). But that didn’t matter because we still FaceTimed and talked on the phone.
Then, fast forward again to 2019. You were nine or ten, and I was getting married. Time flies. Who knew that moment would change our relationship forever?
Dad’s new wife (Noelle's mom) and I had a falling out. Catastrophic, actually. Have you ever heard the story? You were too young then. It’s still too heavy for you now, but one day, I’ll tell you. Either way, that’s how it ended up being only you and Dad coming down for the wedding. The one that Harold included you as a groomsman in. You looked so cute in that oversized suit with your big ears, lol. At the rehearsal, you were paired up with my best friend, and even at your young age, you were trying to spit game at her. You are your daddy’s son, lol. It was cute and hilarious, and you brought so much joy like you always do.
But what I remember most was your speech at the rehearsal dinner. How you shared how much you loved me and were so happy for me—and then you started crying. I went over to hug you, and you said, “I feel like I’m going to lose my sister. I don’t want to lose you.”
In that moment, my heart shattered and swelled all at once. In between the awws and tears from the crowd, Dad and I comforted you and promised that would never happen.
What liars we were.
Not because of anything you did, but because of the dynamics that shifted between Dad and me.
Our relationship (Dad and I’s) was always one that felt like it had to be handled with care. There was love and admiration there, but also uncertainty. And that falling out with Noelle’s mom exposed a lot more than my younger, 23-year-old self could handle. Could process. That led me to cutting off contact with Dad, and unfortunately, you and Noelle were collateral damage.
I will never forgive myself for that.
Not for taking the time to process what transpired and trying to make sense of the abandonment and disappointment I felt, but for how I cut you off. I went from being your big sister to being nothing. For five whole years.
But you kept growing in that time period. You kept having life experiences that I didn’t make an effort to be a part of. Yaz, of course, was still going up there, so both of your relationships grew, and I kept tabs through here. But ours was still stuck in 2019. Frozen with a broken promise.
When I finally came up last year after my grandfather’s passing (really what put on my heart that life is short and family isn’t forever), I got to see you and Noelle and spend time with you. We got to relearn each other. I was so nervous that you both would have disdain for me and wouldn’t want me to be there. But you and Noelle made me feel so loved. Made my presence feel so wanted. Noelle was up under me like how you used to be. It reminded me of how my presence was still needed. How I had only considered my abandonment issues, and it led me to leave you both with the same feeling.
We are doing better after I poured my heart out to you last year. But I also know that you probably didn’t fully understand the feelings I was trying to convey (or at least your nonchalant 15-year-old vibe gave that off, lol). But I hope you see that my texts, calls, and genuine desire to reconnect are real. That I’m back and never letting you go.
You're older now, and we both have our own lives. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be in each other’s.
Here’s to us not trying to pick up where we left off, but starting from where we are now.
You’re only 15 now, so I won’t share this with you for years to come (and you’re not the Substack type), but I want you to know that I’m sorry. That it was never you. It was never Noelle. It wasn’t even ever me, honestly. But I want to be the big sister you deserve—the one I've always been to Yaz. And from this moment on, I will be.
Big Love from your Big Sis,
Destiny